Mary-SueStuck
by TheSemasin
Summary: What if Homestuck was a comic with a bunch of Mary-Sue type characters? This story is a version of Homestuck with a complete Mary-Sue cast. Find out what would happen if Homestuck was really that irritating! (T for Language, the concept of Homestuck belongs to Andrew Hussie. This is for Parody purposes only).
1. Meet Kerry

Mary-Sue Stuck

**Disclaimer: The characters in this fanfiction are extremely irritating. Viewer discretion is advised.**

* * *

A young woman stands in her bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 15th of September, is this young woman's birthday. Though it was fourteen years ago she was given life, it is only today she will be given a name!

What will the name of this young woman be?

=NEUROTIC BITCH=

Try again smartass

=KERRY YOUNG=

There we go.

Your name is KERRY. And as previously mentioned, it is your BIRTHDAY. A number of CLOTHES are scattered around your room. Today you look as you normally do, with your black hair in a neat bob. While on the subject of your hair, you also have straight bangs across your extremely pale face. Your eyes are a nice, bright yellow and you have black and blue glasses that help you see (although you don't need them THAT much). As mentioned before, you are rather pale and have an array of light freckles across your face. No makeup is on your face, as you despise makeup and believe in NATURAL BEAUTY, despite the occasional pimple that pops up. Today, you're wearing a DARK BLUE SHIRT with a black pleaded skirt that reaches to about your knees. The symbol on your blue shirt is a black circle that's cut off at the bottom and set up as if the neck profile of a person. In short, the alchemy symbol of death, or something like that. You wear black laced boots that don't reach your knees with white laces.

You have a variety of interests. You have a passion for AWESOME ANIME, something you share with all your FRIENDS. You also like to sing, but in your opinion you're NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for DREAMING BIG, and are an aspiring AUTHOR OF FICTION. You also like to play GAMES sometimes, like POKEMON.

Your chumhandle is blackmasterEnraged and you tend to "speak in a tone that expresses your fuck level, which is most normally 0."

**Type of Mary-Sue: Overly "Badass"**

What will you do?

=KERRY: GATHER ARMS FROM CHEST=

What, are you fucking stupid? Your arms are right on your body, you fucking dildo.

=KERRY: WELL FINE THERE, NEUROTIC BITCH. GET YOUR _FAKE _ARMS FROM YOUR CHEST.=

That's more like it.

You grab your FAKE ARMS from your chest. To be honest, you DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY YOU HAVE THEM. You CAPTCHALOGUE them in your SYLLADEX. Whatever the fuck that is. There are other items in your chest.

=KERRY: EXAMINE CHEST=

In here you have an array of RANDOM SHIT THAT YOU SHOULD THROW OUT.

But you won't.

Up first we have an OLD YEARBOOK from elementary school, but god knows everyone in that book besides yourself deserves to jump into a fiery pit at the very depth of hell itself. Everyone in there is SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT, but then again, HALF THE WORLD is anyway. Next up are your FAKE ARMS, which are neatly stored in your "whatever the fuck is called". Third is a LAME-ASS DISGUISE, y'know the shitty one with the glasses and fake moustache, a SMALL BLACK TOP HAT, a copy of COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY, SMOKE PELLETS and an OLD PHOTO ALBUM.

=KERRY: EXAMINE THE PAST THROUGH THE PHOTOS=

Sure, why not.

From the looks how old it was, it was definitely created about three or four years back. You almost hiss.

_6__th__ grade._

As you flip through the book scowling, your expression softens when you come across a picture with your "BEST FRIENDS". On your right is your ex-best friend, LAUREN CANNOLI. You two were fine until THE INCIDENT. To put it shortly, she stopped being the person you became friends with, and only became worse. You left the friendship, and it's been a rocky turf ever since. This kind of sucks, considering YOU GO TO THE SAME SCHOOL. But enough about her. On your left is another old friend, KAYLA COLLINS. You and Kayla became closer as you stopped being friends with Lauren, but, Kayla got into an accident in 7th Grade.

Rest in Peace, old friend.

=KERRY: PUT AWAY THE UNNECESSARILY UPSETING PLOT DEVICE=

Gladly. You decide to CAPTCHALOGUE the SMOKE PELLETS. You still haven't figured that out yet, but it kinda reminds you of an rpg format. Whatever, this whole thing doesn't make much sense anyway.

You only have two slots left.

=KERRY: EQUIP FAKE ARMS=

Why?

Ah whatever.

You try equipping the FAKE ARMS, but to no avail. The card is under the SMOKE PELLETS card, which you'd need to use first. But that'd just fill the whole room with smoke, and DAD would NOT be happy.

Your SYLLADEX'S FETCH MODUS is currently dictated by the logic of a STACK DATA STRUCTURE. You're extremely irritated by such and feel like chucking something out the window.

With any hope, you'll get something better in the future.

=KERRY: EXAMINE ANIME POSTERS=

Ah, you mean these?

Yes, these are wonderful. Up in the left corner of the wall you have INUYASHA, followed by FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST and ARAKAWA UNDER THE BRIDGE. Beneath that is a HETALIA poster, and a space next to that for the new one you just got today: DANGAN RONPA. You're feeling better already.

=KERRY: READ THE NOTE ON THE DRAWER=

_Happy Birthday, dear. I'm so proud of you._

_-Dad_

The note smells like GREECE and BLOOD. DAD and his stupid military stories.

Beside the note is your poster.

=KERRY: TAKE POSTER=

AHAHAHAHA no.

After that whole thing with the godforsaken whatever the fuck it's called?

No.

Nope.

Not happening.

You use the conveniently placed tape to hang the poster on your wall. You refuse to use your SYLLADEX.

=KERRY: LOOK, A HAMMER AND NAILS=

SHARP THINGS?!

You immediately CAPTCHALOGUE them in your SYLLADEX. The FAKE ARMS go flying out your window.

Shit.

=KERRY: STARE LONGINGLY AT THE FAKE ARMS=

You're not going to get them.

Mr. Greek Hero can get them if he thinks it such a big deal. Hopefully someone will steal them.

The price we pay for sharp things.

=KERRY: SQUAWK LIKE AN IMBECILE AND SHIT ON YOUR DESK=

Wha-

Why would you even suggest that?!

It is rather shiny tho-

NO.

=KERRY: COMBINE HAMMER AND NAILS=

After viewing the tape job, you realize that it is necessary to hammer the poster on the wall. It'd be much easier.

So you combine the two top cards to create HAMMER AND NAILS. Then you CAPTCHALOGUE the DANGAN RONPA POSTER and put it on the wall.

Glorious.

=KERRY: EXAMINE CON AIR POSTER=

Obscure references are EVERYTHING.

=KERRY: EXAMINE CALENDAR=

You obviously marked your birthday, due to the fact you were fUCKING BORN ON THAT DAY.

And you also marked the date of the BRUBS BETA LAUNCH.

It's been three days. Let's do this already, people.

=KERRY: EAT CAKE=

No.

=KERRY: EXAMINE INCOMING MESSAGE=

You pull up to your COMPUTER. This is where you spend most of your time. Your background is a SHITTY PICTURE you drew on MICROSOFT PAINT. Good times.

Your desktop is also littered with various UTAU AND VOCALOID COVER FILES. Old stuff, and plus that takes SOOO much time to mix. You've given up on the majority of them.

Your PESTERCHUM application is flashing. Someone is trying to get in touch with you.

Only one of your chums is logged in. So it's obviously her.

graphophobicGaud began pestering blackmasterEnraged at 15:04

**GG**: so kerry

**GG**: how's your big day going?

**GG**: what kinds of presents did you get?

BE: chill dude.

BE: i got some clothes, as always, and get this: a dangan ronpa poster. the one ive wanted, at that

**GG**: you mean the one with Oowada and Ishimaru?!

BE: damn skippy

**GG**: lucky!

**GG**: mikey keeps texting me about apple juice. i'm really worried about his mental health.

BE: isnt this like, everyday though

**GG:** well yeah

**GG**: but

**GG**: it's just weird.

**GG**: now he's saying it has piss in it

**GG**: what should i say?

BE: tell him to drink his fuckin tab or whatever

**GG**: okay.

**GG**: anyway…um…

BE: hm?

**GG**: I lost rock paper scissors with mikey, so

BE: how do you even do that mikey lives in texas and you live in like, fuckin, guam or something

**GG**: for the last time, galapagos!

**GG**: IMSORRY

BE: dude chill

BE: anyway, whats that bad news youve failed to tell me this time

**GG**: well it's good and bad

**GG**: good news is we're playing the game today!

BE: oh god whos playing with us

**GG**: well

**GG**: um

**GG**: promise you won't get mad?

BE: no

**GG**: leh

**GG**: it's lauren

=KERRY: PROCEDE TO FLIP YOUR SHIT=

No. You will not do that. That would be unclassed of you and you'd just be the lower of the two.

But.

On the inside you are bashing all three of their heads violently with the hammer.

You're tempted to RECAPTCHALOGUE it and THROW IT AT ALL OF THEM.

But you won't.

=KERRY: CONTINUE TALKING TO YOUR UNNAMED CHUM=

**GG**: um

**GG**: you haven't responded in a couple minutes

**GG**: don't be breaking anything please

**GG**: uH

**GG**: IMREALLYSORRYOKAY

**GG**: SHEHADTWOCOPIESANDYOUKNOWHOWSHEGETS

**GG**: SHEWASALL "GT: Hey Nikki if you need another player I've got copies and I'm not playing with anyone at the moment!"

**GG**: ANDIJUST

**GG**: THEPRESSURE

**GG**: LEH

BE: why

BE: why did you do this

**GG**: IMSORRYYYYYYYYYY

BE: are u

BE: are u reeeeeeeeeallly

**GG**: YESIAM!

**GG**: i mean

**GG**: yes I am!

**GG**: leh

BE: uGH

BE: i already invited felicia over to be our third player

**GG**: oh

BE: its fine, ill just let her do co-op with me

**GG**: is that even possible?

BE: it is now.

**GG**: …

BE: whatever. she can play, i dont really give a fuck

**GG**:…okay

**GG**: sorry

BE: its fine

BE: better now than later

BE: speaking of which, i havent gotten my copy yet

**GG**: have you checked the mail yet?

BE: HAHAHAHAHHAHA

BE: that requires going outside

**GG**: maybe that's why then.

BE: im gonna check now.

=KERRY: LOOK OUT WINDOW=

It reveals to you a view of your front lawn. There is a really tall tree outside, you know, one of the fuckers with three tree trunks for one tree, and a TIRE SWING attached to it. Everyone should have a TIRE SWING. Just YES.

And beside the tree is your driveway and mailbox.

=KERRY: EXAMINE MAILBOX=

The red flag on the mailbox is up! That means most likely that the beta is there!

How convenient, just as Nikki said.

=KERRY: GO OUTSIDE AND CHECK THE MAILBOX=

DAMN FUCKING STRAIGHT YOU WI-

Oh shit.

DAD's car pulled into the driveway. It looks like he's back from the grocery store, and beating you to the mail.

* * *

**Chapter 1: END**

* * *

**A/N: Hey everyone! This is something I've been planning to do for a while, but I've been really lazy. Basically, MSS will follow the plot of Homestuck with more cliched twists than the original. The characters will also be more irritating, especially the trolls, but they do follow the original parameters, such as two boy and two girl kids, six girl and six boy trolls for both alpha and beta, one boy and one girl cherub, and the twelve aspects and fourteen classes. I apologise if the characters are too irritating; Mary-sues tend to be, so I let it get extreme with all of them.**

**Thank you for reading, and please review!**


	2. Rabbit Obsessions and Sylladicks

**A/N: Thank you for all the reviews!**

**I'm awesome and y'all know it: I totally understand. And yeah, I probably wouldn't have lasted through Homestuck if he did.**

**scatteredPhilosopher: Thank you so much! It's actually not so bad, so I think I'll be able to manage through! Again, thanks!**

**mrsampora: monomi is dead**

**mikaylee2000: wahey**

**russianderpkitten: yes. yes it is.**

**oh my lord: Thank you! And as you can see I have continued!**

**darkrose73100: Why thank you! And yeah, Kerry is pretty strangle-able. I don't blame you.**

**Now for Chapter 2!**

* * *

**Disclaimer: The characters in this fanfiction are extremely irritating. Viewer discretion is advised.**

=KERRY: FORGET IT. CHECK MAIL LATER.=

If you go downstairs now he's just going to waste your precious time with nonsense. To be honest, you didn't really give a shit about his boring stories.

Sometimes, you feel as if you're stuck in this room.

More specifically, your home. You do go downstairs sometimes to eat.

You know, home stuck.

Somewhere, somehow, you feel that people are groaning and turning off their computers before committing genocide.

Weird.

And on that note, your good chum has continued pestering you again. You wonder why she's so damn persistent. Odds are that TT doesn't have his copies or he misplaced them, so the game won't start for who knows how long.

Whatever. She'll just have to hold her fucking horses.

=KERRY: READ COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT.=

Like most things in this room, you are completely unsure of why you have this peculiar piece of literature. It's so friggen big too, it could kill, like, a cassowary or something if you dropped it (you think). No way in hell you'd be able to read through this whole thing, no matter how skilled you are at reading. And besides, reading it would cause you to CAPTCHALOGUE it. And we all know how that song and dance works.

=KERRY: CAPTCHALOGUE THE FAKE ARMS AGAIN=

No.

Reason 1: You extremely dislike your SYLLADEX or whatever the fuck.

Reason 2: Weren't they outside across the lawn or something?

And whilst pondering such things, you accidently CAPTCHALOGUE them anyway.

Jfc.

=KERRY: SET PESTERCHUM STATUS TO BULLY=

BULLY is too light a mood.

You'd rather go with RANCORUS.

However, your mood is almost always RANCORUS. So that kind of screws things up.

You decide on changing your mood to BULLY and then back to RANCORUS.

Marvelous.

Not that it actually does anything.

Oh shit! You forgot that your CHUM was still pestering you. Might as well answer her now before she has a fucking heart attack from anxiety.

* * *

**GG**: so?

**GG**: was it there?

**GG**: please say yes please say yes

**GG**: because then you can play with TT he's been bugging me about it ALL DAY

**GG**: I CAN'T TAKE IT

BE: hate to break it to you

BE: but my dad beat me to the mail

BE: you know how he gets

**GG**: uuUUUUUUUGH

BE: so I guess ill just do what ive been doing

BE: playing with the sylladick

**GG**: oooh

**GG**: what's your modus?

BE: uh

BE: it stacks things

**GG**: so stack?

BE: yeah

**GG**: pfft

**GG**: loser

**GG**: UH

**GG**: I MEAN

**GG**: IMSORRY

BE: yeah yeah

BE: so whats yours

**GG**: pictionary

**GG**: I draw derp pictures and hope it turns out right

**GG**: my mother susanna taught me everything I needed to know

BE: yeah good luck with that

**GG**: I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be an insult

**GG**: anyway

**GG**: have you at least allocated your strife specibus?

BE: um

BE: no?

**GG**: it could pick you up a free card

**GG**: plus it could attack things when it gets too rough.

BE: #yoy

**GG**: what?

BE: urban dictionary it

**GG**: anyway

**GG**: what have you got?

BE: um

BE: a hammer

BE: but

BE: its trapped under some arms

**GG**: of course

**GG**: always something with you.

**GG**: try using the arms on something, see if that works.

**GG**: then you can get the hammer

* * *

=KERRY: COMBINE FAKE ARMS WITH CAKE=

You've been avoiding this cake for long enough.

It's now time to do this.

You stick the FAKE ARMS into the CAKE on your BED.

It's really DISAPPOINTING.

Still, COLONEL SASSACRE would be proud.

…you think?

* * *

=KERRY: ALLOCATE HAMMER TO STRIFE SPECIBUS=

You do that.

The HAMMER has been ALLOCATED to your STRIFE DECK.

* * *

**GG**: and that'll be your permanent strife allocation thingy

BE: what

BE: sorry I was busy allocating the hammer or something

**GG**: oh

**GG**: well congratz that's your permanent strife specibus!

BE: sure whatever

BE: not that it matters much

* * *

=KERRY: CAPTCHALOGUE THE DAUNTING TEXT=

For some odd reason you do so.

Normally, this stupid lug of a book would be impossible to carry around. Maybe the SYLLADICK does work for something.

=KERRY: READ GAMEBRO=

Hell no. You are done with this shit. It's the stupidest magazine ever.

You decide to CAPTCHALOGUE it instead. Never know when you need to burn something to sHIT.

=KERRY: CAPTCHALOGUE THE SMALL BLACK TOP HAT=

You use up your remaining card on the BEST HAT EVER.

=KERRY: CAPTCHALOGUE THE LAME-ASS DISGUISE=

Hey dumbass! You don't have enough space.

You decide to merge the SMALL BLACK TOP HAT and the LAME-ASS DISGUISE to create the FANCY-ASS DISGUISE. Anything with a SMALL BLACK TOP HAT is better.

=KERRY: WEAR THE DISGUISE TO FOOL DAD=

Kerry?

Who is this…Kerry…you speak of?

That son of a bitch may have two epics based off him, but he's still an asshole. You're sure this disguise will work.

Maybe.

While wearing the item, it's still in the card; it isn't in the deck anymore, however. Thus, a new space is brought to the end of the deck, making CAPTCHALOGUING convenient again.

=KERRY: EXIT THE ROOM=

You exit into the HALLWAY.

On one wall is a poster from your dad's epic THE ODYSSEY. It wasn't a bad story actually, it was just long and had way too many huge words.

Plus, they made your character a winy bitch with the name TELETUBBY or something dumb like that.

He better not have been the YELLOW ONE or you will MURDER HOMER.

On the other wall is a ZOMBIE RABBIT. He's taken a horrifying interest in RABBITS, and yeah who doesn't like them but still this isn't MLP dad stop.

=KERRY: GO DOWNSTAIRS=

You can almost taste the CAKE that your dad is baking. Ever since you could remember, your dad was always trying to be there for you. You appreciate that, you really do, but he just hounds you too much. Too much cake is a thing dad and you have crossed that line.

Plus, it's BETTY CROCKER. Her cakes are too good to be innocent. That woman and all of her maniacal recipes are pure motherfuckin evil.

This mission is going to be exceedingly difficult. More so than you assumed.

=KERRY: ADMIRE THE ASSORTMENT OF RABBIT STATUES=

Yeah okay you're fucking done with this shit.

Look at this. This…this garbage. You love rabbits sure, but this is just fucking impossible. Funny is funny, sure, but sick obsessions with rabbits?

NOPE.

Sometimes you pray for burglars.

=KERRY: EXAMINE FIREPLACE=

A grand flame flickers in the FIREPLACE. Sure, it may be mid-September, but that doesn't stop you from having it. It keeps the house nice and toasty. Plus, it's a fucking FIREPLACE. That's what they're for. If you don't have a fire in there, WHY HAVE A FIREPLACE?!

=KERRY: TOSS GAMEBRO IN THE FIRE=

Yes.

You enjoy every second of its slow, yet sure burning.

You could have sworn it would burn faster, it is supposed to be Earth-Friendly or some bullshit like that.

=KERRY: GAZE AT MEMORIAL=

This was something you whipped up in 6th Grade.

You had a picture of your GRANDPA there to begin with, but you put a picture of KAYLA (and you next to her) next to his.

However, when KAYLA gave you the picture, there was a bit of HER HAIR locked inside. You've been meaning to get it out, but you're just TOO LAZY.

=KERRY: ACCIDENTALLY KNOCK OVER KAYLA'S PICTURE=

Shit shit sHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

Due to your insufferable clumsiness, the picture has fallen on your floor and cracked. There's glass everywhere. Jesus DAD is going to KILL YOU.

Better clean it up ASAP.

=KERRY: COMBINE DAD'S PIPE WITH FANCY-ASS DISGUISE=

Now would be a good time to make your disguise better.

You are mentally panicking by the way.

=KERRY: EXAMINE PECULIAR PRESENT=

_Darling,_

_You can do anything if you put your mind to it._

_I believe in you, sweetie._

Opening presents. Normally they're clothes, not that you really care, but this is too small to be a clothes package. You're actually kind of nervous, yet excited at the same time.

=KERRY: OPEN THE PRESENT=

It's a MADOKA plush doll.

_With RABBIT ears._

**_Oh hell no_**

=KERRY: CAPTCHALOGUE THE BROKEN PICTURE=

First you put the DOLL on the couch.

With your remaining card, you CAPTCHALOGUE the PICTURE.

Next you combine the PICTURE and the BROKEN GLASS SHARDS. The result? Nothing pretty, and very sharp.

You then put it back on the shelf.

=KERRY: GO GET THE FAKE ARMS AGAIN=

You suddenly get a BRILLIANT idea of what to use them for. You pry them out of the cake and instantaneously CAPTCHALOGUE them. This SYLLADICK thing isn't that bad after all.

Looks like PESTERCHUM is being active again.

=KERRY: CHECK PESTERCHUM=

Oh look.

You're getting two messages this time around. One from TT and the other from…

Oh god.

You knew that soft pink text anywhere.

=KERRY: ANSWER GT FIRST=

gaminesqueThereoid began pestering blackmasterEnraged at 15:37

**GT**: Oh gosh, it took forever to find your new handle! ^^'

**GT**: Anyway, I'm sorry to bother you, but I just wanted to, er, reacquaint myself with you.

**GT**: Since, you know, we'll be playing the game together today. ouo

BE: yes ive been informed

BE: how do you do lauren

**GT**: I'm fine actually, thanks for asking!

**GT**: How about you?

BE: just

BE: spiffy.

**GT**: That's lovely!

**GT**: By the way, I hate to intrude but, I'm curious.

BE: shoot.

**GT**: Why did you change your handle?

BE: oh that

BE: uh

=KERRY: THINK ABOUT WHY YOU CHANGED YOUR HANDLE=

You proceed to have a flashback to that day.

=KERRY: BE PAST KERRY=

You are now PAST KERRY.

And by PAST KERRY, you mean KERRY from 10 MONTHS AGO.

And on this glorious winter day, it is SNOWING.

God you hate the cold.

=PAST KERRY: GO ON THE COMPUTER=

Oh gladly.

You flip open your LAPTOP which rests on your DESK. It seems someone has been messaging you.

Funny, you don't recognize that handle.

* * *

gelidAnchor began trolling teutomaniaGalore at 12:07

TG: wtf

TG: how does one troll

**GA**: He99o there human.

TG: why are your ls 9s

TG: this doesn't make any sense

**GA**: Wow don't they teach manners on your stupid p9anet

TG: yes

TG: and they also taught us not to talk to strangers on the internet

TG: looks like i fucked that up too

**GA**: Wow, you're a bitch.

TG: si

**GA**: Anyway you incompetent piece of f9ightbeast shit, I have come to de9iver a message to you.

TG: the fuck is a flightbeast

**GA**: Jegus your p9anet is dumb.

TG: do you mean a bird

TG: because i think you do

**GA**: What is a human bird?

TG: jfc where do you live

TG: do you live in jamaica

TG: because then that would make sense

**GA**: 9isten, I don't have time to ta9k about your human 'jamaica'.

**GA**: Because, to be honest, I'm pretty sure it's incredib9y pathetic.

**GA**: I have a message to de9iver to you from the A9trenian Empire

TG: i know i havent been keeping up on the latest headliners

TG: but what the actual fuck is an a9trenian

**GA**: A9TRENIA

**GA**: And can you stop typing for fucking two seconds so I can de9iver the goddamn message and never have to ta9k to you again in my 9ife?!

TG: idk babe

TG: you might come crawling back soon

TG: ;)

**GA**: No.

**GA**: Never.

**GA**: Anyway, the message is from personal experience.

**GA**: If you p9ay the game, you and your friends are going to die.

**GA**: Soon.

TG: wow

TG: that doesnt sound like complete bullshit.

**GA**: I'm serious.

TG: ding ding ding, there goes the bullshit meter

TG: oh look

TG: its bullshit

**GA**: We99, excuse me for trying to save your worth9ess human 9ife.

**GA**: I hope you die a horrib9e death.

**GA**: One of bruta9 pain and agony.

TG: have a nice monday too

TG: hope you did your homework

**GA**: I cannot begin to express my hatred.

TG: well thats dandy, because i was thinking the same thing!

TG: so

TG: heres the part where i block you and change my handle so you and your friends never talk to me again

TG: ya dig?

**GA**: I'm down with it.

TG: sweet.

TG: peace.

teutomaniaGalore blocked gelidAnchor at 12:20

* * *

=PAST KERRY: BE PRESENT KERRY=

You are now PRESENT KERRY.

And, while caught up in the middle of your flashback, forgot to answer.

* * *

BE: its just because of some internet freaks

BE: i haven't had any problems since then so its fine

**GT**: Oh.

**GT**: I'm sorry to hear that.

BE: its no big deal

BE: anyway i have birthday stuff to do

BE: so bye

**GT**: Oh okay!

**GT**: Bye! :D

blackmasterEnraged ceased pestering gaminesqueThereoid at 15:45

* * *

Homestuck is owned by Andrew Hussie

Characters are (regretfully) owned by me.

This is made for parody purposes only.


	3. Kerry: Strife!

**Sorry for the delayed update!**

**Review Responses from Chapter 2:**

**Lioness Deity: I'd say about the middle. The back story is a tad overdone, and so is the likes. However, the personality, especially with that backstory, is more unique.**

**I hope you all enjoy!**

* * *

Jesus fucking Christ.

=KERRY: ANSWER THE DICKHEAD=

You were wondering when that asshole was going to get on the computer.

It sure took him god damn long enough.

:.:.:

tittyTuberculosis started pestering blackmasterEnraged at 15:35

**TT:** hey hey hEY

**TT:** so I heard u hav the game

**TT:** a little shota girl told me

**TT:** or dont answer me that works too

BE: how is a girl shota

BE: isnt that a male term

**TT:** how would u describe nikki

BE: oh stfu

BE: anyway stop harassing her

**TT:** what can I say

**TT:** shota girls love me

BE: and to answer your question

BE: no

BE: my dad has it

**TT:** aw dude that sucks

**TT:** see my mom would never do that sort of thing

BE: aha

BE: way to rub it in

**TT:** so go get that game from ur dad now

**TT:** hav fun

BE: wish me luck

**TT:** no

BE: fuck off ahoge boy

:.:.:

=KERRY: EXECUTE BRILLIANT PLAN=

So now all you have to do is go downstairs and over to the present and-

Oh shit

MADOKA BUNNY is too small for the fake arms to be stuck on.

Well.

Shit.

=KERRY: STICK FAKE ARMS TO COUCH INSTEAD=

Yeah.

=KERRY: THROW PRESENT WRAP IN THE FIRE=

Yay being clean.

As long as you're cleaning up…

=KERRY: CAPTCHALOGUE DOLL=

And after taking a second look at it, you're pretty sure that being clean is for losers.

=KERRY: FIND DAD AND RETRIEVE THE GAME=

At the end of the living room is a door, and said door leads to the KITCHEN. From the aforementioned KITCHEN, a brilliant aroma of BETTY CROCKER BAKED GOODS enters your nose. The scent brings you SUCH DESPAIR.

The other door leads to the STUDY. There, DAD will document his travels and all that. Also, he has numerous copies of both the ODYSSEY and the ILLIAD.

He could be in either room. Where shall you go?

=KERRY: CHECK THE STUDY=

Nope. Not here.

God damn it you knew you should've checked the kitchen first.

=KERRY: STEAL YOUR FATHER'S CAPTCHALOGUE CARD THING=

Haha, bi-

=KERRY: CAPTCHALOGUE CAPTCHALOGUE CARD=

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.

=KERRY: LEAVE THE HOUSE=

You return to the LIVING ROOM and contemplate exiting the house and checking the mailbox. It's better to check everything else before dealing with HIM.

=KERRY: EXIT=

You do that.

=KERRY: CHECK THE MAIL=

And as you thought, the mail is empty. DAD already got to it.

=[S] == =

The streets you noticed, today, are eerily silent. Only an occasional breath of wind passed by, only to be stolen by nothing. All the suburban houses were quiet, and nobody was around but you. No cars zoomed by, no idiotic teenagers, no birds, nothing. Nothing at all.

Today is your fourteenth birthday, and like all the other thirteen birthdays proceeding, it feels like something is missing. Something is completely off, more so today than ever. It's almost like a bandit swooped in at the beginning of everything, and took something away from you, something you never knew you had. And now, fourteen years later, you are given more than just the riddle of nothing, but a game. A game that nobody has ever played, and yet it still ranked highest. Something almost didn't seem right about it all. And so you wonder, who are you and why is this game so significant? What is what has to be done? To you, it's the greatest riddle of all.

"Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire." -Walt Whitman

Yes, you are certain Walt Whitman said that. One hundred percent positive.

And with that, you can only sigh.

You have a feeling it's going to be a long day.

:.:.:

**Mary-SueStuck**

:.:.:

=KERRY: STOP MONOLOGUING GFD=

Fine. Be that way.

=KERRY: CHECK THE CAR=

That's not a bad idea. With that, you go run to the car and peer inside.

The door is very predictably locked. You can see his CAR KEYS in the car though, so how is it locked?

There is no mail in sight. However, there _is_ a FOREST GREEN PACKAGE. There's also a slip of paper under it. Although you can't make out what it says exactly, you can see that the writing is in the SAME COLOUR in a handwriting YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE.

Did these items come in the mail? You weren't sure, but it seemed likely. The mail normally consisted of bills and coupons and other money related things, though. Either way, it seems he forgot the PACKAGE when he left the car.

=KERRY: PEER IN THE KITCHEN WINDOW=

The window is very foggy. But you can make out some things in close proximity.

You see a rather equivalent RED PACKAGE. Underneath said PACKAGE are some BILLS. There's also your DAD'S PDA, and an ENVELOPE with the BRUBS logo.

Could it…could it be?

You try to bust in through the window, but it's LOCKED and you don't have a BRICK.

=KERRY: GO IN THE KITCHEN, PUSSY=

You are not a pussy. But that is an argument for another time.

Wish me luck, MADOKA BUNNY.

=KERRY: ENTER=

And in the kitchen is what you feared most: your DAD, looming over you with a BETTY CROCKER CAKE.

It's go time, ODYSSEUS.

DAD sees right through your FANCY-ASS DISGUISE. Fidlesticks.

You unequip your FANCY-ASS DISGUISE. Your FATHER is the only thing standing between you and the game.

Welp. Here we go.

:.:.:

**STRIFE!**

:.:.:

The PRINCESS uses AGGRIEVE. However, DAD blocks this with his MAGNIFICENT CAKE. The PRINCESS grits her teeth and retreats back to her ANGSTY HALF OF THE ROOM. The PRINCESS has fallen.

DAD uses AGGRIEVE. He begins to PESTER our dear PRINCESS into eating the CAKE. The PRINCESS uses ABJURE, and is blocked into a corner.

This is not ending well.

:.:.:

=KERRY: GET THE PACKAGE AND RUN!=

YOU CAN'T DO THAT BECAUSE HE'S _BLOCKING YOUR PATH_

Oh god, he's taking out a pie. Oh god oh god oh god.

This is the end. You brace yourself for impact.

=KERRY: CAN I GET A HELL NO?=

And with that, you equip your FANCY-ASS DISGUISE, saving your precious face. However, this doesn't cease to amuse DAD. His MOXIE and ASSHOLEYNESS increase. This is so frustrating.

=KERRY: CAPTCHALOGUE THE PIE TIN SO YOU CAN THROW IT AT HIM=

You think that is a very risky and yet very doable idea.

First comes first, however, and you take off your MESSY-ASS DISGUISE. Then you CAPTCHALOGUE the PIE TIN.

With that, however, the SMOKE PELLETS fall out. Aha! This is what you needed!

A malicious smile creeps its way onto your face.

Nothing happens.

Son of a bitch.

=KERRY: TAKE THE CAKE=

SURPRISE, BITCH.

The CAKE forces the COLONEL SASSACRE'S book out of your SYLLADICK.

With that, it lands on the SMOKE PELLETS, causing them to explode.

Sassacre you sly fox you.

=KERRY: GET THE FUCKING HELL OUT OF THERE=

DAD'S busy flailing with the SMOKE DETECTOR.

Buh-bye, bitch.

=KERRY: SNAG SOME LOOT=

You decide to take your DAD'S PDA. You can probably change his background to something stupid, like the YELLOW TELETUBBY. Plus, who knows when it can come in handy? You're pretty sure he has PESTERCHUM on there.

The spare CAPTCHALOGUE CARD is forced out of your dick.

Wait no you mean SYLLADICK.

Ah whatever.

Instead of flying out and giving your DAD the MOST TRAGIC PAPER CUT OF ALL TIME, it infuses with your di- er, SYLLADICK, and creates a new slot.

Hella.

Next you take the package. It's addressed to you anyway.

And last but not least, the BRUBS BETA. Missions complete.

Your disguise is knocked out, though.

=KERRY: EXIT THE KITCHEN=

You decide to take the CAKE as well. It happens to have a FAKE ARM in it, but whatever. The PIE TIN rolls away.

Next, you combine the cakes to make a DOUBLE DECKER CAKE.

It works, and drags everything else in your deck inside it as well.

You blame KATAMARI.

=KERRY: HEAD UPSTAIRS=

When on the stairs, you realize you're going to need a TOWEL. So, you decide to enter the BATHROOM and get one.

Next, you sprawl out the…THING…on the floor. Using your FATHER'S RAZOR and the TOWEL, you perform major surgery on it. You end it by cleaning off the extracted goods.

By putting all the items, the TOWEL, and the RAZOR into your SYLLADICK, the CAKE flies out and lands in the toilet.

Good fucking riddance.

Afterwards, you take your leave and head into your room.

=KERRY: CHECK PESTERCHUM=

As you enter your room, you forgot all about the bitching friends. Joy.

Seeing as you can't waste any more time, you decide to go and answer them.

:.:.:

graphophobicGaud started pestering blackmasterEnraged at 15:45

**GG: **hey, uh, kerry?

**GG: **I forgot to mention something

**GG: **kerry?

**GG: **alright, i'll get you later.

graphophobicGaud ceased pestering blackmasterEnraged at 16:04

graphophobicGaud started pestering blackmasterEnraged at 16:04

**GG:** NO

graphophobicGaud ceased pestering blackmasterEnraged at 16:05

:.:.:

gaminesqueThereoid started pestering blackmasterEnraged at 15:50

**GT**: Um, I hate to bug you again.

**GT: **However, Nikki has been trying to get in touch with you for a while.

**GT: **So…

**GT**: Yeah. ono

**GT: **Hello?

**GT:** Are you still alive?

BE: no im dead

BE: talking to you from across the grave

**GT:** Lol! ^u^

**GT: **Anyway, did you get the game?

BE: ye

BE: wait

BE: I never told you i was having problems with the game

**GT:** Oh…

**GT: **I asked Nikki about the current situation, and she informed me.

**GT: **I tried to ask Mikey, but he said he was busy.

BE: did he now

**GT:** Yes, he said that I should deal with my special problem on my own.

BE: indeed

BE: you are a special little snowflake lauren

**GT:** Thanks?

**GT:** That is a compliment, right?

**GT:** Since you did not answer, I am going to assume that it is and you didn't answer because it was an obvious question!

**GT:** Which it is, considering that every snowflake is unique!

**GT:** So thanks! ^U^

BE: …yeah

BE: im just going to pretend that said string of sentences never happened

BE: anyway yea i got it

**GT:** Awesome! ouo

**GT:** Wanna play?

BE: uh sorry

BE: I already promised TT

**GT:** Oh…

**GT: **That's fine. I'll be his server player then! ^u^

**GT: **Oh, his wi-fi is being annoying at the moment. You'll have to wait until he comes back on.

BE: wonderful

BE: anyway, i have a game to play

**GT: **Okay!

**GT: **By the way, how's your stack modus thing going?

BE: IM LEAVING BYE

blackmasterEnraged ceased pestering gaminesqueThereoid at 16:10

:.:.:

=KERRY: GO ON YOUTUBE=

After getting the hell out of that chat, you decide to log on to YOUTUBE.

By doing this, you log onto your browser of choice, TYPHEUS.

Accidentally however, you almost direct it to a website called MSPAINTADVENTURES.

No.

_Not today_.

After seeing that no ABRIDGED SERIES that you watch had updated, you decided that it's time for the BETA.

You insert the CD.

* * *

**If you have any questions, about Mary-Sues, the story, the characters, or just in general, please don't hesitate to ask.**

**Thanks for reading, and if you liked, please fav and review!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Homestuck in anyway. This was made for fan purposes only.**


End file.
